Think You’re a Good Listener? Here’s 10 Reasons Why You’re Probably Not
We can listen to music and podcasts all day long, but when it comes to listening to each other, we’re not always doing it right.
There’s a wrong way to listen? Actually, there are numerous wrong ways to listen. Some people listen but don’t really care. Others might interpret what people say the wrong way. And many people neglect to consider other factors involved with listening, such as reading body language.
Let’s Get It Right
Listening is a crucial skill in our daily interactions, whether at work, with family, in friendships, or even with strangers. So let’s talk about the best and worst ways to listen so you can be the best listener possible.
Good: Active Listening
This is the goal in all conversations. Active listening is the gold standard of listening, so listen up! To actively listen means you fully engage with the speaker by providing feedback and asking questions.
Ways to show you are actively listening include nodding, maintaining eye contact, and summarizing what the speaker has said to confirm understanding. Active listening fosters effective communication and ensures that both parties feel heard and understood, so always aim to listen actively and be present.
Bad: Pseudo Listening
Pseudo listening involves pretending to listen while your mind is elsewhere. Nodding and saying “uh-huh” during a meeting while thinking about your weekend plans is rude. Saying “Wow, that’s crazy” in response to a friend’s story as you scroll on your phone is rude.
Yes, we’ve all done this, whether it was purposeful or not. But it’s not cool. This type of listening can lead to misunderstandings and missed information, as you’re not truly engaged in the conversation, so stop doing this.
Good: Empathetic Listening
Empathic listening helps people understand and share the feelings of the speaker. For example, a friend tells you about their bad day, and you respond with understanding and compassion. You don’t make it about you or try to belittle their feelings.
Instead, you validate and simply create an authentic space for them to speak. Empathetic listening builds trust and strengthens relationships by showing that you care about the speaker’s emotions. In most situations, you should listen with a focus on building relationships and understanding the speaker’s emotions.
Bad: Insensitive Listening
This is the opposite of empathetic listening and can be brutally hurtful. It is listening to the content but ignoring the emotional context and non-verbal cues.
To be frank, this kind of behavior is chronic in many sociopaths and psychopaths. But you can listen insensitively without realizing if you only pay attention to someone’s words, ignoring facial expressions, body language, tone, and other emotional cues.
An example is responding to a friend’s complaint about a tough day with “That’s life” without acknowledging their feelings. This can make them feel undervalued and misunderstood, damaging your connection.
Good: Comprehensive Listening
The purpose of comprehensive listening is to understand and remember the information being conveyed.
For example, a student taking notes during a lecture to grasp the material fully is a textbook example of comprehensive listening. It is essential in educational and professional settings where understanding and retention of information are crucial.
However, it can also come in handy in interpersonal relationships. Listening comprehensively to your spouse’s work dilemma can help you offer better solutions. It’s similar to active listening but is more about absorbing information than connecting with the other person.
Bad: Selective Listening
Selective listening is one of the worst and most common types of bad listening. It focuses only on parts of the conversation that interest you or align with your views, feelings, and experiences. Selective listening can be affirmative or negative.
Affirmative is when someone only hears what they want to hear. And negative is when they only hear the bad things someone says. This can lead to biased understanding and missed important points, limiting personal growth and effective communication.
Good: Critical Listening
Critical listening is similar to comprehensive listening but is more about decision-making and analysis. It’s used to evaluate and analyze the information so one can make an informed and rational decision.
An example of critical listening is listening to a sales pitch and assessing the validity of the claims made. Then, you decide whether or not you want to buy in.
However, critical listening is extremely useful in personal relationships, especially for spouses and parents. It also helps us avoid manipulation, so always try to listen critically.
Bad: Judgmental Listening
Critical listening is about absorbing and digesting information into a decision. Judgmental listening (which isn’t really listening at all) is listening to someone’s argument when you’ve already made up your mind about it.
Listening with the intent to judge or criticize the speaker’s words or actions. We often think we know best or already have the answer, which is where judgmental listening comes in.
For example, a parent listens to their child’s explanation of a poor grade and immediately criticizes them without appreciating the context. Judgmental listening can lead to feelings of resentment and defensiveness, preventing open and honest communication.
Good: Supportive Listening
Supportive listening is similar to empathetic listening but takes this idea further by placing more responsibility on the listener. In empathetic listening, being in tune with the speaker’s emotions is enough.
With supportive listening, you have to actively show that you accept what they’re saying and it’s valid while noticing their emotions during the conversation. Supportive listening is essential in healthy relationships, especially romantic ones, as it can prevent misunderstandings and arguments.
Bad: Defensive Listening
Defensive or narcissistic listening involves perceiving comments as personal attacks, even when they’re not. For example, someone might take a colleague’s feedback on a project as a personal criticism.
This can create conflict and hinder constructive feedback, putting up more walls in their communication. This type of listening can also manifest as someone constantly trying to turn the conversation back to them, and we all know someone like that.
A friend might share a story, and you immediately respond and launch into your own semi-related story without even acknowledging what they said. This type of listening can make others feel ignored and unimportant, and no one wants to be around someone who makes them feel that way.
Why Good Listening Skills Are Important
Good listening skills are essential for building and maintaining strong relationships — and what is life without those human connections?
Communication is a vital skill, and it is a skill that can be honed and taught. From work environments to familiar relationships to romantic interactions, clear and healthy communication is the key to success.
Listening In All Situations
At work, it is crucial during meetings, presentations, and team collaborations. Good listening helps resolve conflicts and understand family members’ needs. Between friends, it allows you to offer support and bond meaningfully. Even with strangers in customer service or casual interactions, thoughtful listening leads to a positive experience on both ends.
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